– *FILLING THE VOID*
Today at “J.Quist” – we’ll be using the day-off to address some highly debated issues that have been surrounding the Yankee dugout for months now…
– *IS MELKY CABRERA CHUBBY?*
His speed says no, but his pudgy face cries yes… Despite being one of the best Yankee fielders on the team this year, New York fans just can’t seem to agree on Melky’s outward appearance. Is Cabrera a fast chunky player, or a fast player who appears chunky? We seem to be left with a paradox… How can a chunky guy be so quick, and how can a quick guy be so chunky? The world may never know…
We’re on to you Matsui! In one instance, we’ll see our boy Hideki laughing up a storm with Jeter and pals… In another instance, we’ll Matsui hit a walk-off homer – and use a translator to handle his post-game interviews… What’s wrong with this picture? I personally believe that Matsui is perfectly capable of speaking english, but chooses to save his speeches and fat jokes for the person he’s closest to…
If you research Ransom on Wikipedia, the results conclude that he was born in 1976… but Yankee fans beg to differ! It’s obvious that the Yankees organization is adding 20 years to Ransom’s life to give us the impression that he’s a wise individual. If you add the square root of 9 to the radius of a circle, it becomes completely evident that Cody is in fact – nothing more than a 12 year old boy who bombed his audition for High School Musical 4.
C’mon Francisco, you’re not fooling anyone either… Upon further research, Wikipedia suggests that Cervelli is nothing more than a 22 year old kid out of Venezuela. Do they really expect us to buy this bologna? I pain-stakingly contacted several of my Venezuelan colleagues, and suprise surprise – got the real scoop on Cervelli’s date of birth. It seems as though we’ve been lied to – and Francisco is in fact a 39 year old Canadian, who opted to play for the Yankees after missing the role of a possessed catcher in the never-released, “A League of Their Own 2.” Tom Hanks went on to say, “He was always sticking his tongue out, and his english was kind of hard to comprehend… In the end, the film-makers and I decided that it’d be best to just cough up the extra money and bring Geena Davis back.”
– YANKEES HAMMER THE METS: 15-0
*The “subway spanking” is what I’m calling todays game, because that’s exactly what the Mets were handed. A giant spanking from a hungry team… Hungry from the recent “Boston Massacre,” (I’m on a roll with these catch-phrases tonight,) – and hungry from the LUCKY WIN on Friday. (The infamous Louis Castillo drop…) The Yanks must of sensed it was time to get it together – because lucky wins won’t garentee a playoff spot… and consecutive losses won’t get you into first. This 15-0 slaughter is a glimpse of what New York’s AL team can dish out when they get their act together…
Did I mention that Johan Santana pitched? Any basbeall fan can acknowledge the obvious: Johan is one of the best pitchers in the league… but tonight – we absolutely embarrassed the man. I feel bad – it was his worst outing of the season, and THIS GAME specifically raised his ERA to a “mediocre” stature. (Never OVER-estimate what you read on paper though,) because I highly doubt we’ll see Santana slip-up like this again anytime soon.
– Now: The Stats and the Salutes
JETER: 4 for 4, 2 RBI’s (raised his BA to .310)
DAMON: 2 for 4, 3 RBI’s
CANO: 3 for 4, 3 RBI’s
MATSUI: 1 for 3, 2 RBI’s
CABRERA: 2 for 4, 2 RBI’s
CERVELLI: 3 for 5, 1 RBI
*Yes. Believe what you’re reading baseball fans. These six batters went 15 for 23. These six batters had 13 RBI’s – and gave us all an indication of what the Yankees can do. I almost find it comical that the batters I DIDN’T list are: Teixeira, A-Rod, and Swisher. You get my point.
The Yanks are back and better than ever. Now the Sox just need to start losing!
– ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
*Wow. As a Yankee fan, I honestly can’t excuse the losses we’re taking from the Sox this year. (What’s there to excuse? We’ve lost every time!) What the heck is wrong with us!? We’re a first place team coming into Boston… and we leave Fenway with our tails between our legs! I can’t even believe what I witnessed – and it’s no laughing matter. Each one of these sweeps is a giant step backwards…
Things aren’t getting any easier as the week progresses. The Mets are up next, and eventhough they haven’t been playing their best ball this season… Johan pitches Sunday – and every little loss we encounter is huge. (I’m not saying the Johan win is garenteed,) but after seeing the Boston fiasco – I don’t know what to expect. Every one of our aces folded… Burnett, Wang, (which was half expected lol,) – than CC, who was a hair away from pulling off the win last night. I don’t even want to think about it… but for the sake of my blog, I’m keeping it real:
RED SOX FANS – enjoy it while you can. I have a funny hunch that eventhough you’ve embarassed us this season – it’ll come back to haunt you. The wins will pick back up tomarrow – we’ll climb back into first… and when we meet again – toward the end of the season especially – you’ll lose when you need it the most. The losses that determine first and second in the AL, (like the series this week…) only 1000x more meaningful.
I hate Boston. I hate Kevin Youkilis’ beard, I hate Duston Pedroia’s beard… and I hate the Red Sox. I hate “Big Papi” magically hitting homeruns again, I hate Lowell’s gray hair… I even hate J.D. Drew’s initial’s being “J.D.” I hate Fenway Park – I hate the monster… and you get my point.
*You’ll go down at some point. Enjoy these early wins while you can.